Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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