My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
