Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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