I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Text me some of your sweat
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