I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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