well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
