I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just want nice things and good sex
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
