Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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