Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
