roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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