i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
