U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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