im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't turn off my feet"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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