What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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