just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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