I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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