OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
