I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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