I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
