Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
