I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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