the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
