I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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