I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
