at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
