She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
