I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
