the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
