3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
