My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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