Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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