I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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