I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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