and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your shirt... Was in my pants
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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