note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
