if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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