I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
