Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
