haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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