I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
