i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
third nipple confirmed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
