This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize