my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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