and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My pussy is not your playground.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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