if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
