I cannot find my penis.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
