First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
