I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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