I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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