WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
