Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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