I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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