God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
