You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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