I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
