I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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