my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
